Job Hunting Tips for idiots

Hello loyal servants, this is your bad-ass priest Derick here. If you notice, we are now in the middle of the job-hunting season. If you wanna know, the annual job-hunting season starts in June and ends in December. This is the season when people act like Neanderthal cavemen who compete with each other to hunt the best job that is high-paying, low-stress and idiotic bosses to make fun of.

However, this is also the season when virgin, naive, doe-eyed fresh graduates from university comes out of their parents basement and look for work, probably because their parents kicked their deadbeat ass out of the house. This is the primary victim of scrupulous companies who will suck blood out of these fresh and naive graduates. Most of these evil companies posts classified ads with some-what harmless buzzwords, but there are overall evil intentions lurking in these buzzwords.

And I Derick, your bad-ass priest presents you the most common and popular job-ads buzzwords that evil companies uses. Try your best to not to apply at them.

"Able to work in a fast-paced environment": This means that things don't go along as they were planned in this company. This
means that the company expect you to do everything at the last minute.

"Able to multitask": This means that the company expect you to roleplay without actually costume playing. You play the role of
secretary, janitor, reception, office clerk, accountant all at the same time. To cut things short, the company
expects you to do a lot of things poorly, than one thing really well.

"Detail-oriented": This means the company is anal-retentive. Be sure to wear face masks when showing your work to your boss.
Because his/her spit will fly when nitpicking your work. Make one mistake, you'll get chewed out.

"Team Player": The company expects you to like everything what they like, even though you hate it with your guts, because that is what a team player" is being all about.

"Able to work under minimum supervision": This means the management is like David Copperfield, they disappear when you need
them. Companies that post classified ads with this kind of requirement likes to play hooky, hoping that workers
will pick up the slack and mess while they are away playing golf.

"Self-motivated": This needs no explanation, really. The management expects you to work extra hard, motivated by something
else other than the tiny salary.

Okay, with that out of the way, here are my tips in order for you to find a job, you deadbeat asshole.

* Your resume should not be a "one-size-fits-all" resume.

* You should not post your online resume on Jobstreet, Jobsdb or what ever online job boards and wait for employers to contact you.

* Your resume should not be a shotgun. Meaning, don't just apply to whatever company you fancy. Your thinking of finding a job is by applying for as many companies is stupid.

* Know the Job Search Domino Effect:

1. Marketing Preparation
2. Dynamic Cover Letter
3. Excellent Resume
4. Strong Interviewing Skills
5. Timely Follow-up

With these tips that I gave you, you can surely avoid all those evil companies out to suck your blood and land the job of your dreams, well, unless you screw it up halfway there.

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